One of the most amusing things to me about doing a newborn checkup is watching a new mom or dad lay their baby down on the exam table.

The whole process takes about 10 minutes!

Picture this – the new mom is sitting in a chair cuddling her baby. I walk in and we start chatting. Then I ask mom to put her baby on the exam table.

First, mom has to adjust baby’s blankets and wrap baby up nice and tight again (you don’t want baby to catch cold from the draft created by carrying baby across the room).

Then mom has to adjust her own clothes before she stands up if she was just nursing baby.

Next, mom has to scoot forward in the chair so she can get her feet under her for leverage to stand up (a task which seems quite difficult for a few weeks after birth, and understandably so).

Then mom stands up ever so slowly and carefully, because she doesn’t want to lose her balance and drop baby in the process.

This whole ordeal is often even slower with new dads. They know if anything untoward happens to baby while in their care, they are SO busted!

Finally mom (or dad) is standing!

Now begins the careful walk across the room. This must be done ever-so-gently because to jostle baby even the slightest bit can cause shaken baby syndrome.

A couple minutes pass by . . .

Mom finally makes it to the exam table.

A quick readjustment of baby’s blankets must take place before baby is laid down (not sure why this is, and I couldn’t think of any cute reasons off the top of my head).

Now comes the most crucial part of the whole procedure. Baby MUST, I repeat, MUST be lowered from your arms to the exam table NO FASTER THAN a speed of 0.001 meters per second. If baby is lowered too quickly, the sudden change in altitude can cause severe dysequilibrium that can lead to baby becoming slightly fussy.

As baby’s body approaches the surface of the exam table, I eagerly anticipate finally being able to begin my examination. But wait! Baby is not yet actually on the table, and I must check myself and be patient for a couple minutes longer.

Here is where parents must be extremely cautious. Baby must be placed ever-so-gently onto the exam table surface (the two-inch foam padding on the table can be very hard against baby’s fragile body). And whatever happens, make double sure that baby’s bottom is the first body part to touch down on the table, followed by the torso, and then last of all the head. You must very carefully shield baby’s head with both your arms during this process, and very slowly, inch by inch, disengage your arms one at a time once baby’s head rests on the table surface. Baby’s bony skull is not hard enough to protect baby’s brain yet, so it’s up to you to prevent any brain damage in the early weeks.

AHHHH! At last! Baby is in position and ready to be examined. But wait! Baby starts to squirm and fuss a bit. If I don’t act fast, mom is going to pick up her baby to comfort him. So I smoothly glide in, place my hands on baby, gently pat his tummy, make some cute soothing noises, and the examination ensues.

The examination consists of lots of poking, prodding, rolling, tipping, rotating, and yes, even picking baby up WITHOUT THE BLANKETS WRAPPED AROUND HIM!!!

Now I know that babies are not that fragile. They can endure a careful but thorough examination by skilled pediatric hands (such as my own). But I can tell that many new parents won’t believe this truth for several months to come, so I have to pretend to be just as careful with their little baby as they were, while managing to do a complete exam that doesn’t take 2 hours.

I’ll bet if you go back 10 years to my own first visit with my new baby to the pediatrician that I was just as cautious and protective as the worst, well, BEST of parents.

Dr. Bob