By understanding why children lie at times, it is easier to understand what to do. Getting behind the deceitful words (or
actions) and into the child's mind will help you practice preventive discipline.
Here are ways to build a truthful child.
1. Practice attachment parenting
Connected children do not become
habitual liars. They trust their caregivers and have such a good self-image
they don't need to lie. Even the most connected child will spin a few
outrageous yarns at four, try lying on for size at seven, and try more creative
lying out at ten. When you've caught your child lying once, and you've
corrected her, don't automatically assume she's "lying again" if a similar
situation arises. Give her the benefit of checking out the facts or she'll be
hurt that you don't trust her.
2. Model truth
Create a truthful home. Just as you sense when your
child is lying, children will often read their parents' untruths. If your child
sees your life littered with little white lies, he learns that this is an
acceptable way to avoid consequences. You may be surprised to learn the lessons
in lying your child witnesses in your daily living. Consider how often you
distort the truth: "Tell them I'm not here" is the way you get rid of a phone
pest. You rationalize that this isn't really a lie, or perhaps it is only a
"white lie," which, as opposed to a black lie, is really
all right because it gets you out of an embarrassing situation. Don't ask your
child to share in your lie by having him say you're not at home. (Instead, he
could say, "She can't come to the phone right now. May I take a message?")
Don't tell your child something is "gone" when it really isn't just to make it
easier for you to say he can't have anymore. Sharp little eyes often see all
and you haven't fooled your child at all. You've just lied to him, and he'll
know that, since he knows you so well. Just say "no more now" and expect your
child to accept that.
Also, don't become a partner in your child's lying. If your child didn't
finish her homework because she was too tired or disorganized, don't let her
convince you to write a note to the teacher saying the printer broke on the
computer. These practices sanction lying and teach the child how easy it is to
avoid the consequences of poor choices.
3. The truthful self is OK
Convince your child you like her just
the way she is. "I like a truthful C more than an untruthful A," you teach the
youngster who marks up her real grades. The child who knows her acceptance in
the family is not conditional upon performance is less motivated to lie.
4. Don't label the child who lies
Avoid judgments like "You're a
liar!" or "Why can't you ever tell the truth?" Children often use parental
labels to define themselves. To them a bad label is better than no label at
all. At least "the liar" has an identity. A label can become a self-fulfilling
prophecy. Better to say something like, "This isn't like you; you're usually
honest with me." Don't ask, "Are you lying?" but rather, "Is that really the
5. Avoid setups for lying
If your child tends to lie, confront him
squarely with a misdeed rather than giving him the opportunity to lie. If you
don't want to hear lies, don't ask questions. If he's standing in front of the
broken cookie jar with telltale crumbs on his hands, it's ridiculous to ask if
he did it. Of course he did it. Confront him.
6. Expect the truth
Give your child the message "I expect you to
tell the truth." Children should not feel they have choices in this matter.
Children are not intellectually ready to deal with situational ethics, which teaches: "You tell the truth when it's
convenient, but choose to lie when it's not." They'll get enough exposure to
this kind of thinking in high school and college. When your child knows what
you expect, he's likely to deliver.
7. When your child lies
Always correct your child for lying. Don't
en your child lies. Always correct your child for lying. Don't
let him think he's getting away with it. Confront him and let him know you are
disappointed. A child with a conscience will punish himself by feeling
remorseful. Any further punishment would depend on each circumstance. Any
natural or logical consequences should be allowed to take place. Occasional
lying will happen, but habitual lying needs to receive counseling to uncover the
8. Encourage honesty
Every chance you get, talk about how important
"the truth" is. Don't wait until you are in the middle of a situation when what
you say may be taken as preaching. Comment on broader topics, such as truth in
print and advertisements, how truth keeps life simple (lies to cover lies), and
how the truth always comes out in the end. Current events and family happenings
can be analyzed from the standpoint of honesty. Talk about how truthful people
are respected. Have a look at honesty themes in literature, such as "crying
9. Teach a child when silence is not lying
delightfully honest, but sometimes at the wrong moments: "Aunt Nancy, your
breath stinks" or "You really are ugly." Teach the child that if the truth
hurts someone's feelings, it is not necessary to say anything. "Sometimes it's
best to keep thoughts to yourself." While you don't want to squelch the candor
and honesty of children, you do want to teach them to consider others' feelings.
Remember Thumper's line from Bambi, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say
anything at all."
10. Get behind the eyes of your child
"Maybe you just wanted the
toy so much that you imagined that Andrew gave it to you. Shall we call him and
check?" This gives your youngster a chance to come clean, or maybe Andrew did
give it to him. You need to play detective and help him uncover the truth, for
you and for him. Young children can talk themselves into believing a pretend
story if it satisfies their desires. Once a child reaches the age of seven he
is better able to understand the difference between pretending and telling
pretend stories that are intended to deceive.
11. Offer amnesty
Sometimes you know that your child has lied to
you, and you want to turn a negative experience into a moral lesson. Try
offering amnesty. When our son Bob was fifteen he asked to go to a rock
concert, which he rationalized would be okay because it was held at our church.
We said no, and told him we felt that this particular group modeled values
foreign to our family. Conveniently, there was also a team curfew Bob was under
because of a football game the next day. Reluctantly he agreed. I had heard
about the group, but I wanted firsthand observation so I could be sure of my
judgment, so I went to the rock concert. A few weeks later we found out from
another source that Bob had attended, too. After getting over our initial shock
and anger (this was way out of character for Bob), we called a family meeting
and offered "amnesty" to any misbehavior "no matter how awful." The children
were allowed to get any wrongdoing off their chests. Bob confessed. Afterward
he shared his relief. (We had worked hard to build consciences that would
bother our children when they did wrong -- healthy guilt.) We explained we
already knew he had gone to the concert, thus teaching Bob it's unwise to lie.
If amnesty hadn't worked, we would have confronted Bob and there would have been
stronger consequences. In this situation, we wanted him to have the benefit of
confessing voluntarily so he could experience the reward of deciding to come
clean. Bob, now a father himself, fondly recalls this event.
Looking back we realize how our attitude toward something important to Bob
actually pushed him to be so uncharacteristically defiant. A highly-principled
child from the very beginning, Bob explained he felt we were using the curfew as
an excuse to deny his attendance. He was right. We had discussed this ahead of
time, before we laid down the rule. We could have asked the coach for an
exception or asked Bob to leave early. Bob told us afterward that the whole
football team was there, flaunting the curfew. In hindsight, I should have
cleared it with the coach and then arranged for us to go together, father and
son, to enjoy an outing. Since this whole episode, we've watched our teens
develop a wholesome discernment in their entertainment choices, and we have broadened our range of tolerance.
Martha actually enjoys some of the rock music our children listen to and finds
it a window into their world.
If you create an atmosphere in your home and an attitude within your child
that honesty is the best policy and the child's truthful self is really the
nicest person to be around, you are well on your way to building trust and