How to Handle Childhood Masturbation in Young Children
Don’t run to call your neighborhood psychologist when your little girl rocks on her tricycle seat or your little boy puts his hands down his pants. Instead, stop and consider why this subject makes you squirm. The very word “masturbation” gives many adults a deeply uncomfortable jolt, accompanied by heavy doses of guilt. If a child pulls his ear or strokes his arm, no one notices. So why do parents ignore the little boy who pulls his ear but worry and scold when he pulls his penis? It’s either because genitals are considered bad, mysterious, or off-limits, or they believe that genital rubbing is a sure sign of psychological disturbance. Neither of these are true.
Most children play with their genitals—expect this during childhood years, somewhere between the age of two and six. The reason genital fondling bothers adults is that we tend to view children’s actions through adult eyes. To a child, masturbation is a normal part of discovering these parts of his or her body and the pleasurable feelings that come from them. In exploring their bodies, babies discover that some parts feel more pleasurable than others. Once these areas are discovered those little hands are frequently found there. To a child, massaging his or her genitals is pleasure. It is not “wrong” or “dirty”. Only if a child hears these terms from adults (or picks up on their anxiety) does he or she become worried and confused.
Because children aren’t doing anything “wrong” when they explore or stimulate their genitals, there is no need to scold, shame, humiliate, embarrass, or punish them. Above all, avoid conveying that these are bad body parts. Later sexual hang-ups are often due to mishandling of early sexual issues by overzealous but well-meaning adults. These parents, because they themselves were shamed, frightened, and punished, may never have come to terms with their own sexuality.
Religious Perspective
Some religions teach that masturbation is wrong. We do not intend to question this belief or value system. Simply stated, adults who themselves choose not to practice masturbation for moral reasons will have to be wise in how they approach this matter with their babies or young children. There will be ample opportunity for the child as he grows older to be taught how to respect his genitals in a religious sense.
8 Ways to Manage Childhood Masturbation
While genital stimulation is normal behavior for a child, it bothers parents and, if excessive, can bother the child. Here are some ways to keep a common practice from becoming a harmful habit.
1. Normal Childhood Masturbation
Understand that the desire to use one’s body parts for pleasure is part of normal sexual development. While it is not necessary to masturbate to have a positive self-image, enjoying one’s body parts contributes to developing healthy sexuality and liking one’s body. So occasional genital massage is not dirty, harmful, or a signal of an underlying emotional disturbance or of problem parenting. For most young kids, it’s a continuing discovery and it feels good. It’s as simple as that.
2. When Masturbation Becomes Abnormal
Genital play can become more than just a passing curiosity when it becomes frequent and intense and the child becomes so preoccupied with self-pleasure that he or she withdraws from interacting with others. As is true with any self-gratification, if the habit is an occasional departure from the routine, a quick-fix for boredom, a need for comfort, or an occasional release of pent-up anxiety, it’s normal. If the person becomes dependent on this form of self-pleasure to the degree that he or she doesn’t reach out in other ways to feel good, it becomes abnormal.
Medical complications from genital stimulation are rare, though in girls excessive and intense friction (rubbing their genitals against something hard like the saddle of a toy horse) can traumatize the urinary opening, resulting in urinary tract infections. (This is less likely to be a problem for boys since their urethras are longer.) Manual stimulation will not damage tissues (as long as little hands are clean) unless the child willfully inflicts pain on himself or herself due to the obsessive intensity generated. This is a signal to parents that some intervention is needed.
3. Not in Public
Dear old Aunt Mary is sitting in your living room. In full view is four-year-old Susie climbing on the arm of the couch. She wiggles around and soon has that happy look on her face. Other faces in the room turn red. Witnessing anyone masturbating embarrasses adults. Without making judgments about your child’s actions, matter-of-factly advise her that anything to do with her “private parts”—like going to the bathroom—is private.
Use this as a teachable moment and nicely explain that you want your child to “go do that where I can’t see you—it makes people uncomfortable”. Usually, the child will choose to stop the activity so he or she can stay near you. Normal social living demands that people often delay their own gratification (or subdue their own feelings) out of respect for the feelings of others. The best approach is to quickly distract the child into a more socially-acceptable activity.
4. Build Balanced Self-Esteem in Young Child
Children who feel good about themselves on many fronts (home, friends, school, activities) are less likely to retreat into habitual genital stimulation. Six-year-old Tommy was going through a poor self- image stage. He wasn’t getting along with his parents or friends and didn’t seem to fit into school or social activities. Mother noticed Tommy began to spend more and more time behind closed doors in his room. One day, not knowing he was in his room, mother opened the door and discovered him masturbating. She wisely shut the door immediately and walked downstairs before falling apart and calling the child’s father—”I caught him doing that.”
Rather than embarrass her son, mother respected his dignity, and later, father and mother arranged to talk with Tommy together. During their discussion (not a confrontation) Tommy’s mother referred to his penis as “your little self.” Tommy’s father smoothly substituted the term “penis” with a word that mother and son were comfortable with. They seldom referred to “the act”, but rather concentrated on the whole person, focusing more on Tommy’s withdrawal from the family as the problem needing fixing rather than where his hands were. In the days and weeks that followed, they helped Tommy get more comfortable in outside activities and within the family. He began to spend less time in his room with the door closed.
Chronically bored children often turn to their bodies for stimulation. Keep little minds and bodies active. When the little boy’s hands go into his pants or the little girl begins rocking, casually distract them from their self-interests into other activities.
5. Avoid Scare Tactics
Here are some of the fearful myths about masturbation that years ago came from the mouths of adults: “If you keep that up, you’ll get warts on your hands.” “You’ll go blind.” “Stop that, it’ll make you sick.”
These may have frightened children out of the habit, but they also created unwarranted guilt and damaged self-esteem, resulting in unhealthy sexual attitudes. And, once children discovered that these threats were untrue, advice on other sexual matters became suspect.
6. Give Wise Counsel
If you intervene in childhood masturbation, you must carry through with wise advice. If your child is old enough for such dialogue, try this approach (best for dads to talk to boys and moms to girls): “…Johnny, playing with your penis feels good and it is a good part of your body. I did this a bit when I was your age. But too much of this stuff keeps you from exploring other activities that make you feel good. What are some other things you would like to do? What would you like to do together?” Although perhaps uncomfortable for parents, these conversations are teachable moments, healthful to the child’s growing sexuality. They also strengthen your parent-child relationship.
7. Employ a Substitute Teacher
If you are uneasy about discussing sexuality with your child—and many parents are—your child is likely to sense from your body language and strained words that sex is a nasty subject. If your child is a habitual masturbator, ask the child’s doctor to explore the subject as part of a checkup. Over the years, hundreds of red-faced parents have asked me to take on this task. I’ve consented, but with reservations, because delegating an important issue to a substitute deprives the parent of the opportunity to grow in his or her role of authority and counselor.
The children may feel the parent is squealing on them, although this probably won’t happen if the doctor, or other advisors, approaches this subject as part of a normal sexuality talk, rather than an accusatory confrontation. It’s helpful to remind the habitual masturbator: “Remember what Dr. Jones said about rubbing too hard on your vulva.”
8. Give Alternative Tension Releasers
I counseled a six-year-old girl, Lara, who habitually masturbated so much at bedtime that her genitals became sore. Her perceptive mother rightly concluded that the habit was a tension release. We helped Lara by both dealing with the cause of the tension and showing her alternative ways to relieve her anxiety. There had been a lot of recent stress in this child’s life: a recent move, new school, new friends. Her parents helped her work through adjusting to these changes by giving her back rubs and playing soothing music as she drifted off to sleep. Not only did she ease off on her masturbation, but she learned that during tough times parents are a valuable resource.
For more information on childhood masturbation, read My Toddler is Touching His Privates! on our website.