DISCIPLINING BOTHERSOME BEHAVIOR: GENERAL TIPS

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Infants and children do annoying things, so plan to spend time and energy correcting these behaviors in your child or at least modifying them to be less annoying. In handling any undesirable behavior in a child, consider these general strategies:

Growing teeth and hands often find their way into trouble. Toddlers often bite and hit with little regard for the consequences of their actions. Bites and hits hurt and should be corrected, before serious harm is done to bodies and to relationships.

1. Understand why babies bite and hit. Don't take it personally. Babies do bite the hands (and the nipples) that feed them. Everything babies do revolves around their hands and mouth. The hands and teeth are their first social tools, and they learn how to use them from the responses they get. As soon as teeth erupt and hands flap, babies experiment and use these instruments on different objects to see how it feels. What could be more familiar and available then parents' skin? Baby's job is to use these tools; your job is to teach him how. These early nips and slaps, as awful as they look and feel, are playful communications, not aggressive, disrespectful conduct.

Aggressive biting and hitting is most common between the ages of 18-months and 2� years when the child doesn't have the verbal language to communicate his needs. Instead, he communicates through actions. Biting usually stops as the child's verbal skills grow but hitting doesn't.

2. Understand why toddlers bite and hit. What are simply socially- incorrect gestures in infants can, if unchecked, become aggressive behaviors in children. That's why you want to purge these from baby's repertoire before they become part of the growing child. Children become aggressive in order to release pent-up anger, to control a situation, to show power, or to protect their turf in a toy squabble. Some children even resort to obnoxious behavior in a desperate attempt to break through to distant parents.

Most aggressive toddler behaviors will lessen once the child is old enough to communicate by words instead of actions.

3. Consider the source. What triggers aggressive behaviors? Keep a journal (at least mental notes) identifying the correlation between how a child acts and the circumstances prompting the action. For example: "Kate bit Suzie during play group. Suzie had Kate's favorite ball. It was almost nap time. Lots of kids in a small place. Suzie is very bossy."

4. Child hurts parent. Face-slapping is a socially-incorrect gesture babies experiment with. Redirect the slapper into a socially-acceptable alternative: "Give me five." Likewise, redirect nipping: "No biting, ouchie, hurts Mama! (put on your unhappy face); then redirect the behavior: "Hug mama. That's nice!" (smile and hug back). Once your child's face-slapping becomes an expression of frustration (for example, the toddler in your arms becomes angry and hits you because you won't let her have candy), you'll have to show her the natural consequence. Firmly but calmly announce "You may not hit" and put her down. She'll still be angry about the candy, so you can verbalize that for her. Do not allow your toddler to use you as a punching bag. Give her the message that you will not let her hurt you. If you don't allow your child to hurt you when he's very young, he will be less likely to let others hurt him when he's older. You will be modeling to him how to say "no" to being hit, for example, by holding up a hand to stop the blow but not hit back.

5. Toddler hits babies. If your one-and-a-half-year-old bangs his toy hammer on the heads of other babies in the group, remove all objects that he can hit with. Show and tell him not to hit and give him an alternative gesture: "Be nice, pat baby" as you gently guide his patting hand.

6. Don't bite back. "But the child needs to learn that biting hurts," you may reason. Yes, but there's no way your child will decide that she shouldn't bite if you bite. Try this alternative tooth-for-tooth method: Take your child aside and ask her to let you show her how teeth feel on skin. Press your child's forearm against her upper teeth as if she were biting herself, not in an angry revengeful way, but as a parent making a point, "See, biting hurts!" Give this lesson immediately after he bites you or someone else. You want your child to learn to be sensitive to how others feel � an early lesson in empathy.

7. Hitting models. Katie hits Tommy. Katie's mother (embarrassed and irritated) quickly goes over and smacks Katie on the arm saying "Mustn't hit." Are you as confused as Katie is right now? Have you ever been driven by embarrassment or anger to do something illogical? We all have. So plan in your mind ahead of time what you will do when your child hits someone.

8. Child hurts child. You notice one child hits (pushes or kicks) another to get a toy. Show and tell an alternative way to get the toy. "We don't hit other people. If you want the toy, wait until your friend is finished with it or ask Mommy and I'll set the share timer. When I want something from you I don't hit you, I ask you nicely." If the hitter doesn't cooperate, ask the victim to say, "I'm not playing with you anymore until you say you're sorry and stop hitting." Two-year-olds may not be able to say all these words, but they'll understand them; so you say the words for them and follow through with the consequence. Also, impress upon the biter: "How would you feel if Tommy bit you."

9. Timeout the aggressor. "Biting hurts, and it's wrong to hurt. You are going to sit by me." Usually by two years of age the child can make the connection between being aggressive and the consequences. Encourage your child to say "I'm sorry." If he's not angry anymore, he might want to give a kiss or hug.

10. Model nonaggression. A child who lives with aggression becomes aggressive. How do you communicate disappointment, handle conflicts, and get your point across? Aggression is contagious. Toddlers and young children also pick up aggressive behavior from older siblings. If the younger children see the older ones hitting each other, they conclude that's the way you treat other people. Make this a teachable experience for the older children. Point out their modeling and tell them for their own benefit and the benefit of the little ones to clean up their act.

Grabbing is a common aggressive behavior in toddlers and young preschoolers. (Watch that you don't unintentionally model this by snatching things from little hands) Calmly explain why he can't have the item he grabbed and ask him to hand it back to the other child or give it to you. You may have to offer a replacement for what he has to give up. If your child is about to damage something valuable, or is likely to hurt himself with an object, use a no- nonsense voice and show by your body language you expect him to give it up immediately.

AVOID SETUPS
Avoid situations that bring out the worst in kids. At a birthday party a mother setup a scavenger hunt for a bunch of boys -- inside her house, of all places. To fuel the frenzy, she offered a prize for the winner. You can imagine what happened. Both the house and the children were a wreck. They hit and shoved each other and trashed the house in pursuit of the hidden treasures. Bruised skin and bruised feelings resulted.

12. Mellow a mean streak. Watch the toddler who habitually bangs toys, bashes dolls, kicks cats, and pounds on walls. While some of this acting out is normal, it can be a red flag for tension and anger. The child is at risk for treating humans this way. Besides delving into the roots of the problem, encourage more gentle play: "Hug the bear," "Pet the kitty," "Love the doll."

13. Reward. Children over three respond well to rewards, such as a no-hitting chart: "Every day you are nice to your friends, put a happy face on the chart. When you have three happy faces we'll go out to lunch together."

14. Program self-control. Some impulsive children hit before they think. For children over three, help them control these impulses by suggesting substitute behaviors that the child clicks into at the first thought of hitting: "As soon as you feel like hitting, grab a pillow and pound on it or go run around the yard." You can model impulse control for your child. For example, next time you feel like hitting, let your child see you think your way out of it. Grab your hand and talk to it: "Now, hand, you should not hit people." He'll pay attention, especially if he's the one you felt like hitting.

15. Apply double discipline. When hitting becomes disrespectful and undermines your authority, it deserves a double-dose of correction from Mom and Dad. Four-year-old Timmy got angry and hit his mother. She immediately sat him down, looked him squarely in the eyes, and impressed on him that under no circumstances was he ever to hit his parents; that behavior was intolerable and would be firmly corrected. She sent him to his room. After this time-out they talked about his anger. Later that day she shared this incident with her husband who had a talk with Timmy. He reinforced the seriousness of this situation and told Timmy that it would not be tolerated: "I will not allow you to hit the woman I love." This wise father got some extra mileage out of his discipline by communicating his feelings for his wife.

16. Supervise. It's neither fair nor safe to allow aggressive toddlers to play with potential victims in close quarters without a parent on watch. If your child is aggressive, share your concern with the other parents or teachers in the playgroup, and seek their help in tempering your child's aggressive behavior. Don't hesitate to tell them about the problem. You can bet they have also struggled through an aggressive stage with their own children. Your candidness shows your concern for the other children. Otherwise, aggression, especially biting, may destroy friendships. The parents of a biter are embarrassed, while the parents of the bitee are angry that their child has been hurt. The biter's parents get blamed for the child's misbehavior ("bad parents of a bad kid"), and the adult friendship cools.

Teachers and day-care providers also need to be vigilant in supervising the aggressive child, lest this attitude infect the whole group. In a group setting children learn what is socially-acceptable behavior. If they see and feel that aggressive behavior is tolerated -- especially if the biter is in the spotlight ("Watch out, he's a biter") -- they pick up on this label and may try making it part of their repertoire. While the aggressor's behavior requires immediate attention, be careful not to give the other children the idea that this is the way to get attention. Be sure to find opportunities to praise the other children for their good behavior.

You will spend a lot of time dressing your young child. It's a lot easier to do if you don't have to wrestle him through every step. Here's how to get the job done efficiently so that you and your child enjoy it.

Plan ahead. Before buying children's clothing, dress your child in your imagination. Choose easy-to-put-on clothing, at least one size ahead, with a minimum of buttons and snaps. Look for loose, stretchy neck holes that don't catch on tender ears. Choose outfits that are easy to slip on a moving target.

Plant good dressing memories. How a child behaves during diapering sets the tone for her acceptance of dressing. Most children who enjoy dressing can be taught to cooperate with dressing by age one, to do some self-dressing by age two, and to dress themselves completely by age four.

Model dressing. Lay out your child's ensemble next to yours, and put your clothes on together, piece by piece. This speeds up the pokey dresser. Try a contest to see who can get all their clothes on first. Soon the novice dresser will be a whiz. For the beginning self-dresser (between ages three and four), help him along: "You put on your shirt and I'll button it."

Accept mismatches. Remember, a child between two and five fixes definite ideas in his mind and protests alternatives. A young child is not noted for his open mind. This is not being stubborn, this is developing a strong personal identity. If your child wants to wear an orange shirt and purple pants, let him, even if this violates your sense of taste. Or, lay out three outfits and let your child choose one. This is a smallie, not at all worth a hassle. As one mother put it, "If he dresses himself, he can wear what he pleases." Of course, she saw to it that the clothes in her son's drawers were appropriate for the season. Wait about ten years and your child will probably be dressing more stylish than you.

Give shopping choices. Around age four, children usually care what they wear. Take your children shopping with you and let them have some choice in what you buy: for example, two of five dresses, one of three pants, and so on.

There are times when parents know best. Here's how a wise mother got her son properly dressed, respecting the child's will without undermining her authority:

Our three-year-old is discovering that he has a will and opinion. My job and my desire is to validate his decision-making power. When our child exerts his own will and makes a choice that is different from our choice, my husband and I don't look at it as a threat to our authority. Our child simply wants something different than we do. For example, my husband was getting our child dressed. Austin wanted to wear his brand new heavy sweater that he got for Christmas. It was about 80 degrees outside, and we were taking him to a sunny park. My husband explained that it was going to be hot, but Austin insisted on his sweater. After talking it over with him my husband said, "I have an idea. Let's take the sweater, and that way if it gets cold you'll have it to wear." Austin thought that was a great idea. His decision-making power was validated. His idea to somehow have the sweater with him was good, and so he took the sweater with him to the park. We laid it on the bench in case it got cold. In this situation my husband could have just said, 'No, you're not wearing the sweater. I'm the boss. I'm the grown-up. I know what's best for you. You're not wearing that sweater on this hot day.' But instead we accommodated Austin's choice, and we arrived at an agreement that worked for both of us.

You have to be adventurous to take a toddler grocery shopping, but sometimes you have no choice. One young mother takes her three-year-old and one-year-old most of the time. She says she thinks of it as a "sport." To expect a curious two-year-old to be a model of obedience in a supermarket that is set up to make adults act impulsively is unrealistic, but you can create the conditions that help him behave better. Try these sane shopping tips:

Our five-year-old, Jason, spilled his treat all over the supermarket store and pitched a fit: "I want more! Go back and buy me more!" His pleas escalated: "Will you buy me a toy?" "You're mean." And finally, my current favorite, "You're a spit!" We wheeled over to a quiet corner of the store and I tried to reason with him, but that was completely useless. What finally did break through to him was talking about how he felt. I said, "Boy, when things like that happen to me, I get really angry. It makes me want to kick something." My "I understand how you feel" empathy caused Jason to click into a more rational mode and express his feelings: "I feel so angry about my snack that I want to throw this grocery cart out the window." "I am so upset that you won't buy me more that I want to throw all the groceries at you!" Then we began to laugh together, and within a few minutes we were able to have a reasonable dialogue and get back on the track of shopping. By the time we left the store the incident was completely forgotten. A few days later, Jason had to have a shot at the doctor's office. While waiting for his appointment, he got so worked up imagining how the shot would feel that he began crying. I replayed what worked in the supermarket and got Jason to express his feelings: "When the doctor gives me a shot, I want to give her a shot back! I want to take all the shots and put them outside so they can't give me one." By adult standards, these expressions would be ridiculous, yet by expressing these wishes, Jason felt he had some control over what was happening. He was choosing not to act on his feelings, while at the same time expressing how he felt. This gave all of us some relief.

Check-out counters are usually where most children's behavior disintegrates. At the check-out counter, let your child help you unload the items onto the counter, maybe counting or naming things. Keep him busy and involved in the homestretch. You can avoid battles over candy and gum by not introducing younger ones to these delightful little packages. Try keeping your cart out of reach of temptation while you unload. When it's right in front of you, zip the cart right past it into safer territory. You don't have to say "yes" every time he begs. He can save his own money, and you can discuss ahead of time if this will be a treat day. Don't be embarrassed or feel pressured if your child pitches a fit at the finish line. To expect to park a curious child between two rows of tempting delights and not have him want something is unrealistic. The store is counting on adults not being able to control themselves, so why should children? Just get through quickly and leave.

How can a sound as irritating as whining come from such adorable little people? It combines pleading, demanding, pestering, and nagging, interspersed with sniffles and sobs. It escalates in pitch until either the whiner wears out (this can take a long time) or the listener wears down (this takes only a short time).

Why kids whine. Most children whine sometime between 2� and four years as they are trying out various voices for their effect on listeners. The reason they stick with it so long is they often find it works like a charm. Depending on the audience's response, they will either go on to develop more annoying sounds or refine their tone to more pleasant speech.

If whining persists, replay for your child how unpleasant it sounds, being careful not to mock. Don't do this when you are both emotional. Do it at a calm time. Whine back: "Which do you like, Mommy's sour voice ('I don't wanna make supper') or Mommy's sweet voice ('Gosh, I'm tired. I could use some help')?" Once your child learns that whining doesn't work (and her language skills improve), whining will be a sound of the past.

Remember your reaction the first time your four-year-old used a four-letter word? Did your mouth drop open, but with no sound coming out? Did you drop your fork at the dinner table? Did your ears turn red? To growing children, toilet talk is as curious as the functions it stands for. To children words are not "dirty" until you tell them so. Be prepared for colorful words to come out of children's mouths around age four.

Children pick up words from all over and try them out. Whether or not they continue to use them depends on how frequently they hear them and the effect these words have on their audience. Kids won't even know what some of the words they hear mean (i.e., the "f-word"). That's why it's wise not to overreact. This stage will pass. Here's how to deal with toilet talk.

You're sitting with your six-year- old son among a group of friends. Suddenly the air is not so fresh. Your eyes and nose turn toward your child, the source of this tell-tale smell. You're embarrassed for your child, your friends and your self. Your child either doesn't know, doesn't care, or represses his awareness of the odorous load.

Soiling pants, medically known as encopresis, is not that unusual or always abnormal. It occurs at some point after the child has been toilet trained. It's much more common in boys than in girls. We can hypothesize that this is because boys are encouraged to keep their feelings in, so they are less likely to ask to be excused for toileting when away from home. It occurs more in children with a strong sense of privacy or a strong tendency to concentrate on an activity to the point that they are unwilling to stop long enough to use the toilet. But it is offensive to others and embarrassing to the child. By understanding why this unpleasant problem occurs, you can help your child master his bowel habits.

Brain and bowel don't communicate. This is how I explain pant-soiling to a child. The bowel, like the bladder, when full sends a signal to the brain, "I need emptying." (Draw a picture of the bowel and the brain and connect the two by an arrow. Refer to this diagram as you explain the brain-bowel process to the child.) When your bowel is full, it says to the brain, "Go to the nearest toilet." (This defecation reflex, or urge to empty the bowel, automatically occurs in persons with healthy bowel habits.) If you listen to what your brain tells you, bowel and brain continue to talk to each other, you go to the toilet when necessary, and your pants stay clean.

"But suppose you don't listen to your brain, either because you're too busy, too lazy, or you just plain don't hear what your bowel and brain say. In this case, the bowel and brain stop talking to each other. The bowel just lets go whenever it wants to, and there's poop in your pants. Usually a doughnut muscle at the opening of your bowel squeezes closed to help keep the poop inside until you can get to the toilet, but sometimes this muscle gets lazy and opens up. Sometimes you smell it before you feel it.

If you don't listen to your bowel signals the poop gets big and hard and won't come out. This weakens the doughnut muscle around the bowel. It doesn't "feel" when the bowel is full, and you get all plugged up. That's called constipation, and it feels uncomfortable. That's when you have two types of bowel movements "hard poop" and "soft poop." The hard poop stays in your bowel and the soft poop -- sometimes it's even watery -- leaks around the hard poop, and you don't even feel it until it's in your pants. The longer this goes on, the harder the poop gets, the weaker the donut muscle gets, and the less bowel and brain talk to each other.

So how can we keep this from happening? (Encourage the child to answer.) First, you can always listen to what your bowel tells you. Instead of being so busy and not paying attention to your body, go to the toilet as soon as your bowel says, "I'm full." You can also keep your poop from getting hard by drinking lots of water and juices (prunes, prune juice, pear juice) and eating whole-wheat breads, and cereals.

Busy little bowels. Keep (with your child's help) a diary of when your child soils his pants. What triggers holding onto the bowel movements and what triggers letting go? Does the smell appear when he is stressed in group play? Does it happen when he is so engrossed in play that he ignores his bowel signals? Little boys with little bowels are forgetful. If your diary detects a correlation between play and soiling, call this connection to your child's attention. "As soon as you feel bowel pressure, go sit on the toilet. Don't hold on to it"

Embarrassed little bowels. Some children are embarrassed about toileting. Rather than let their playmates know they have to go to the toilet, lose their place in line, or ask the teacher to go to the bathroom, they ignore their bowel signals, consciously or subconsciously convincing themselves -- and their full bowel -- they really don't have to go. Impress upon your child that toileting is as normal and human as eating. Everyone does it. Perhaps some children can't imagine their teacher ever having to go to the bathroom.

Lazy little bowels. Some children don't want to "waste time" going to the toilet. Rather than interrupt the play and expend the effort to go all the way to the toilet, get undressed, redressed, and reenter play, the child just ignores his body signals and continues playing. To help your child do his toileting quickly, buy pants or shorts with elastic bands.

Blocked little bowels. Paradoxically, the most common medical cause of pant soiling that I see in my office is constipation. This diagnosis surprises parents, "But it runs out..." What soils the pants is the soft, watery stool that leaks past the hard feces. By examining your child, the doctor can tell if constipation is the culprit. Stool softeners, such as natural fiber (psyllium husks, branlike flakes available at nutrition stores that you sprinkle on your child's morning cereal), prune and pear juice, prune puree (if your child won't eat prunes), and two extra glasses of water each day are natural stool softeners. Remember to be patient with plugged bowels. They have been so stretched by constipation that it may take at least a month to notice improvements.

Sensitive little bowels. Explain to your child what's happening -- how the doughnut muscle that holds in the poop gets lazy and opens up and lets out poop. He needs to know why he soils his pants. Probably a few of his friends also soil their pants. Explain to him that he has grown up, but his bowels haven't, and you're going to help him help himself. He needs to take responsibility for his body. When his bowel and brain are giving him signals, he must listen to them. Explain to your child that sometimes if his brain is upset his bowels get upset, too, and don't work like they should. If he gets tense, his bowels also get tense. So, avoid put-downs and criticism. Your child will get enough not-so-gentle reminders from his peers and sibs. Encopresis is embarrassing. Children want help learning about their bodies.

Irresponsible pant soiling. When older children (past age six) soil their pants by choice and not by accident, they are old enough to learn how to be responsible for cleaning their soiled pants. This increases the motivation to learn proper bowel habits. In a non-punitive tone show and tell him how to clean his pants�once. After that it's up to him. After all, it's his poop in his pants. This is guaranteed to get his attention, and he will love you for it because it says you are dead serious about his getting this problem fixed. You will not have him embarrassed anymore!!!

Angry little bowels. In most children pant-soiling, like bed wetting, is a developmental nuisance, not a psychological problem. But in some children, the problem lasts months or years, and in this situation what lies in the pants is a symbol of emotional disturbances deeper inside the child, such as chronic, unresolved anger or power struggles with parents. An intestinal reaction to environmental upsets (a move, divorce, illness) also upsets the child's bowel habits. Seek professional help. But before you book yourself or your child for counseling, consult your child's doctor for a thorough physical examination. While it is safe to use the natural stool softeners mentioned above, don't use over-the-counter or prescription laxatives without your doctor's advice. Sometimes an over-emphasis on bowel "treatment" draws too much attention to your child's bowel habits and may aggravate the problem. Also, take inventory of your family situation and play parent-detective to find out what disturbing factors may be triggering this offensive habit. Have a talk with your child about how you will work hard to change these factors as he works hard to control his bowel habits. Family therapy guarantees investment from all the players, and your child will respond in a healthy way to this joint effort.

"You imbecile!" yelled fourteen-year-old Mary at her annoying seven-year-old brother, Billy. Now Billy didn't know what an "imbecile" was, but by the tone of his sister's voice he knew he didn't want to be one.

What's in a name? The point is not so much the word the child uses -- much of the time kids don't know what their insults mean. The deeper issue is insensitivity to another's feelings. Part of discipline is helping your child learn empathy. Help her imagine how the other person feels when he is called that name. Appeal to her sensitivity to her own feelings and those of others as the first step in changing the behavior. Bear in mind that a mocking voice � like saying "I love you" in a way that would make someone feel small � can be just as hurtful.

Model an apology. Even adults sometimes resort to name- calling. We've caught ourselves occasionally yelling, "You're being a brat!" in frustration when a child is being willful. If your children hear a steady stream of "you're lazy," or "you're stupid," they will pick up on the habit, since it seems to be an acceptable way for parents to vent emotion. Name- calling is a putdown and it deserves an apology that builds the child back up. When we hear that "brat" word come out of our mouths, we back up, hug the child, ask her to forgive the name-calling, and reassure her that we love her and think well of her. Then we talk about how we don't like what she did, and we go on to correct her behavior.

Pull up putdowns. To preserve the self-esteem of fragile children, one of your jobs as house disciplinarian is to patrol your domain and stamp out put-downs. Point out put-downs the instant you hear them: "That's a put-down." If your children already know that you won't tolerate put- downs in your family, they simply need a reminder, not a sermon or a tirade. Elaine told her children how devastating these statements are, especially to younger children. She explained how calling someone an unkind name makes them angry and therefore completely unwilling to change the behavior that triggered the name calling. She instructed: "Instead of yelling 'you're stupid' at your little brother, get down at his level, look him square in the eyes and firmly say 'That was a stupid thing to do, and I know you're smarter than that. Now help me clean up the mess'." (Hopefully, parents realize this is a wonderful line for them to use also.) This not only stops the argument before it starts, it also models alternatives to name-calling for the little brother to use when playing with his friends.

Garbage in, garbage out. To mute what comes out of the mouths of children, control what goes into their ears. Certain words get into a child's memory and seem to stick forever. Even though we carefully police our television, somehow our children managed to be exposed to Beavis and Butthead, in our opinion one of the most denigrating and potentially dangerous shows ever to get into the minds of kids -- a major put-down to human intelligence. Over the next few weeks we heard "butthead" as if it were a socially-acceptable form of direct address. Once we stopped overreacting and realized that the actual meaning of the word to kids and teens is something like "dumb" or "crude", the word lost its punch and we ignored it (but still banned the show itself). Eventually, the word "butthead" died a slow death, at least in the confines of our home.

In the past, one way to punish children for name-calling has been to make them write "I will not say butthead" a hundred times. We discourage this method because it plants the word even deeper into a child's memory. (After reading this section, what word do you remember the most?) A better correction would be to have the name-caller write a note of apology, without using the offensive name.

Are you tired of asking your child to do something -- over and over again -- and all you get is a grumble? Or your child obeys, but reluctantly, and not without protest. Neither children nor adults always do things with a cheerful spirit, but there are ways to make children's attitudes easier to live with.

Model cheerfulness. When your child brings you a reasonable request, give your child the message, "Sure, Mary, I'm glad to please you!" -- even though her request is inconvenient and you are less than thrilled about driving her to the pool for the third day in a row. Getting a "glad to do it" response makes the child happy she asked and models cheerfulness for the next time you ask the child for help.

Mirror grumbling. If your child grumbles about doing a task, help him to understand how it feels to be on the receiving end of a grumbled response: "For the next few hours I'm going to be a grumble-puss." After your child gets a grumbling response from you, he will get the point that it's no fun to be around a crank.

Time-out the grumbler. "Johnny, I expect you to be agreeable when I ask you to do something -- like I am when you ask me. Please go sit in the other room for five minutes and think about how grumbling makes everybody feel. When you've decided to quit grumbling, come and tell me about it. Our home would be no fun to live in if everybody grumbled."

Minimize grumble times. Nip grumbles in the bud before they become part of a child's personality. "Billy, please help Mommy set the table." "Why do I have to do everything?" Billy protests, and he clicks on his litany of complaints. At the first hint of a grumble, call it what it is: "That's a grumble. I don't want to listen to it." The use of job charts is the best way to keep track of who does what and when, so no one "always has to do everything." We have used motivational charts to weed out grumbles from the garden of childhood.

Cheering up the grump. Everyone is entitled to be crabby once in a while, but when it goes on and on, it's time for parents to step in. Grumpy children are no fun for themselves or others. Here's how to perk up the grouch.

Figure out why the child is grumpy. Some children are grouchy at certain times of the day. The morning grouch may need time, space, and breakfast to re- enter the world after a night's sleep, or a bit of humor to lift still-tired spirits. The late-morning grump may be tired or hungry, a signal for a nap or an early lunch. The after-school crank may need a similar tonic, an energizing snack and a brief nap to recuperate from common after-school ailments, such as a school bus headache, tension build-up, or even boredom following all the stimulation of the classroom. The evening crab is probably just worn out and either needs a late afternoon nap or an earlier bedtime. All of the above may just need to be left alone to grump for a while and nothing else. Respect that, and have as your only request that family harmony not be upset.

If your previously pleasing child suddenly turns into a grouch, suspect an illness, or a recent upset in her life. If something is gnawing at her, the internal anger will affect her external mood. Time to do some searching for the reason why your sweet child turned sour. Direct questioning will probably not work as well as just being available to listen when she's ready to talk. Connected kids usually don't wait too long to seek out a listening ear. Remember, sensitivity is what connected kids understand.

Busy the grump. A wise preschool director had a favorite motto: "Boredom is a choice." We adopted her motto when Peter began using "I'm bored" a lot. We let Peter know that he was responsible for his own moods. If he didn't pick up the subtle hint, we'd make it more obvious: "Pete, you have lots of choices -- help me with the dishes, then we'll bake cookies; get out your new books from the library; or go see if your friends are playing outside." If he refused to choose something to do, we sent him off to another room to be bored on his own. One way or another, he got busy doing something he really enjoyed.

Humor the grump. Try these tactics: "Sally has a grumpy face. I sure miss the happy face. Let's see if we can paint one on." Then stroke your child's face pretending to color away the frown. Children like this special touch, and a laugh loosens up the smile muscles in a tight face. (This will probably not work for morning grumps.)

Don't squelch every crabby moment. The child's emotions are a gauge of what's going on inside. Just as you can't safely drive your car without gauges, you can't sensitively care for a child who doesn't show emotion. Let your child know: "It's okay to feel yucky. Tell us what's bothering you, because talking about it will help you feel better." "It's okay to gripe sometimes if you don't really want to do something, but let me know how you feel using a nicer voice." "I love you even when you're grumpy. I'd rather see a real grumpy face (and hear you talk about it) than see a phony happy face."

Does your child always demand the last word? "Mary, please do the dishes." "Mom, I can't. I've got homework." "Doing the dishes is your job isn't it?" "Yes, but I have a test tomorrow." "Dishes only take ten minutes. Please be done by the time I get back." "It'll be your fault if I get an F." Sound familiar? Parents and children often jab at each other ping-pong style, and the conversation escalates into confrontation if neither stops to understand the other's viewpoint. Children are put on the defensive; parents feel their authority is being challenged. Nobody wins. Talking back should never become disrespectful. A respectful form of disagreement reveals that your child is willing -- and comfortable�communicating with you. Try these suggestions for the child who always answers back.

Expect respect. Parents' ears are quick to pick up disrespect ; keeping your tone respectful is not always easy, yet it is critical as a modeling tool. Occasional spurts of talking back need not be reprimanded, providing your child is not disrespectful. Expect talking back during developmental stages when your child shows spurts of independence. Having the last word helps the child solidify her position and reaffirm her independence. Unless it's a biggie or is clearly done to taunt you, chalk it up to normal development. A child needs to learn how to make his point without being rude. There is a fine line between disrespect and spunk.

Between seven and ten years of age, part of the normal development of a child is to protect their interests. They are developing a sense of fairness. Any comment or request from you that is perceived by them as unfair will cause them to naturally go on the defensive. One day I wrongly accused Matthew of dawdling while the rest of the family was in the car waiting for him. He was quick to defend himself. The reason why he had to go back in the house was to get his shoes. This was not talking back, but rather a developmentally appropriate comment from a child at a stage when he is learning a sense of social fairness. Being open to your child's defense (as long as it is respectful) conveys that you are willing to listen and respect the child's viewpoint. This sets the stage for opening avenues of communication with a teenager.

If things escalate into a shouting match, the talking back needs to be corrected. One day I overheard this dialogue between Martha and then eight- year-old Erin, who had talked back: "Erin, sit down. I want to talk with you," Martha said calmly. She had interrupted the battle by changing her tone of voice. The two power strugglers sat down. "I'm the mommy. You're the child. That doesn't mean I'm better than you, but I've lived a lot longer and I've learned a lot more. So I'm a bit wiser -- as you will be when you're a mommy. I understand why you don't want to clean your room, but I expect you to obey." Then came a hug. Finally, Martha told Erin, "I'll help you get started."

If the talking back is becoming disrespectful and more frequent, evaluate your whole parent-child relationship. Is your child angry about something in his situation or with you? Is a distance developing between the two of you? Have you been so preoccupied lately that your child has to shout and make a nuisance of herself to get you to listen to her? It's inventory time in the parenting business again. Here's an example. It was winter, a busy time in my pediatric practice, as well as deadline time for a book. These combined stresses left me less tolerant of the usual minor irritations that occur daily in the life of growing children.

Time-out from talking back. If you and your child are shouting at each other and a wall is going up between you, either send your child for time-out or take time-out yourself. There's no real communication going on anyway. Announce "I need a break" or tell your child to "sit there until you can talk with me respectfully." When you have both calmed down, open with an apology, if called for, to break the ice and take down the wall. Then ask to hear your child's viewpoint again (sometimes having to repeat her case lessens its importance to the child). Present your viewpoint and together arrive at a conclusion. End with a hug. Your child gets the message that disrespect (from both parties) is counterproductive and unwise.

The phrase "break a habit" has some biological truth behind it. A child's developing brain consists of miles of tangled electrical wires. As the child learns and grows, he makes connections between all these nerve wires that store patterns of association. Patterns of association are things that belong together based on the child's experience, for example, feeling tense and relieving the tension through thumbsucking. Patterns that are repeated over and over again become habits, and the child now performs these actions without even thinking about them. To break the habit, you have to put a roadblock in the nerve pathway where the habit is stored, breaking off the connection between the action and the circumstances that trigger it. It's important to break undesirable habits before they become mannerisms -- part of a child's personality -- and lead to unflattering labels like "Tommy Twitch."

1. Is the habit a problem? Does this habit even need breaking? Should you intervene or simply grin and bear it and let the child enjoy the habit? After all, if ignored, most habits eventually self-destruct, and if you intervene you risk pushing the child from the frying pan into the fire. To a child, a habit may be his own way of relaxing or retreating momentarily from pressures and expectations into his own world, a mini time-out, a chance to do his own thing. If you take away a harmless tension reliever, something less desirable may take its place. As a general guide, if the habit bothers the child (his thumb is getting infected or his teeth crooked) or the habit results in teasing from others or social isolation, it's time to intervene. Here's how.

2. Remove the trigger. What conditions set up the child to twitch, bite her nails, pull her hair, bang her head, pick her nose, or grind her teeth? Is she bored, tired, angry, nervous? Keep a habit diary, and as much as possible, adjust your child's environment to remove the cause. If Trudy started twitching soon after you changed daycare providers, you probably should reevaluate your choice of substitute caregivers. If your six-year-old sucks her thumb while watching TV after school, perhaps you should take her for a quiet walk instead.

3. To confront or not to confront? Is it a biggie (Does it physically or socially harm the child?) or a smallie that is best ignored? Calling your child's attention to a smallie may intensify the habit or push him into a biggie. If it is a smallie, focus on the conditions that trigger the twitch, and not on the habit itself, so you can prevent the problem from turning into a biggie. If it's a biggie, involve your child in the habit control. These are your child's habits, and only he can break them. Discuss the habit with your child. Inquire whether or not it bothers the child, and if so, how.

4. Motivate. If you decide the habit should be eliminated, make your child aware of it and involve him in the treatment. Discuss with your child why it's better to lose the habit and how you and he will be partners in breaking the habit. Offering rewards along the way adds incentive.

5. Family habits. As little monkeys see, little monkeys do. Examine the habits of the persons of significance in your child's life. Do you bite your nails, smack your lips, tap your foot? Mrs. Daniels brought Michael in for counseling because of his twitching. In going into the family history, we found that Michael comes from a twitchy family: Uncle Joe twitches, grandmother twitches, and mother twitches. It was always considered no big deal and was played down as simply a family quirk. Since Michael wasn't bothered by his twitches, nor was he being teased about them, we decided that ignoring them would be the wisest therapy unless they increased to the point of causing Michael social embarrassment.

6. Relax the child. For some persons mannerisms may be a mini relaxer, a time-out or a temporary distractor from a stressful situation. Search for stress producers in your child's life and remove as many of them as you can. Expect mannerisms to begin or intensify following a move, the absence of a parent, divorce, or any major change in the child's routine.

7. Offer a sub. An effective way to avoid the pathway that leads to a habit is to suggest an alternative route, a detour. If a child's fingers are busy squeezing a ball, he won't be able to suck his thumb. As soon as your child is in the situation that triggers the habit or he first becomes aware that he is doing it, he immediately, by reflex, clicks into the harmless alternative. For example, as soon as the nail-biter feels his hands approaching his mouth, he folds his hands and twiddles his thumbs or fingers a marble in his pocket. Or she twists the ring on her finger or makes a hard fist and then releases the tension by shaking out the hand. Practice these alternatives. Drill, drill, drill: Urge to bite, grab marble or ring, repeat, repeat. To help your child remember, give this alternative a name such as "the sub" or "the detour." Remind him gently and unobtrusively, "Remember your sub."

Thumbs naturally find their way into the mouths of babes and often stay there for years. Thumbsucking is a boon to babies but bothers onlookers and dentists. So what's a poor thumbsucker to do? Can a baby and her thumb find happiness together without public censure?

Some babies are born thumbsuckers. Ultrasound pictures show babies sucking their thumbs in the privacy of the womb. In many babies, the need to suck is not satisfied by bottle-feeding or breastfeeding alone, and they learn to suck on the ever- present thumb for comfort. In the early months, even tiny infants discover that one of life's little pleasures is right in their hands and under their noses. We consider the ability of babies' to use their own body parts for comfort as a sign of emotional health, not psychological disturbance. In fact, some veteran baby comforters even help their babies find their thumbs to self-quiet. What's all the fuss about? Whose thumb is it anyway?

Some babies seem unsatisfied after bottle-feeding. They've had enough milk, but not enough sucking. One advantage of the breast is that it can still be sucked on even after the feeding is over, so baby can get the sucking he needs without over-filling his tummy. But there are times when the breasts' owner has had enough and a few babies still need pacifying. If you don't feel you can handle letting baby pacify on your breast, let him suck on your finger, and eventually, if he doesn't discover them on his own, you can direct his thumb or fingers into his mouth. The seemingly insatiable desire to suck is there for a reason.

Sucking mellows the fussy baby, helping to organize the otherwise disorganized bio-rhythms of a newborn. Some babies need more mellowing than others. Our high-need baby was the only one of ours to suck her thumb. We thought it was sweet to see her snuggled up with her thumb while she slept. She started at three months and quit on her own at five months � a very uneventful thumb weaning. Martha was careful to breastfeed her frequently so that the thumb did not become a substitute for the breast. Sucking at the breast is more than eating to a baby or toddler. They learn that the comforting they get helps them relax. A child who has gotten attached to her thumb will tell you she needs it to help her relax.

While most mothers, for practical reasons, give infant thumbsucking their thumbs-up approval, some dentists vote thumbs down. While this harmless habit subsides without concern or intervention in most infants by the age of two, some children increase their thumbsucking to such frequency and intensity that it becomes a social and dental problem.

Thumbs in push teeth out. In the first two to four years, don't worry about thumb and teeth not getting along. Seldom does thumbsucking harm teeth in the child under four, and it usually subsides by this age anyway. But habitual thumbsucking at age three or four or older is a reason to start putting money aside for the orthodontist, especially if the child already has a hereditary overbite or protruding upper gum. Or, you can start thinking of ways to get that offending thumb out of the child's mouth and into his pocket. Because of the way the thumb is forced against the inside of the upper front teeth, thumbsucking can cause overbite (buck teeth) and other dental malocclusions. If neither your child's doctor nor his dentist are worried about the thumbsucking, you shouldn't worry either.

Oversucked thumbs get sore. Habitual sucking is hard on the skin of the thumb. Spending too much time between the moisture of the tongue and the pressure of the teeth causes oversucked thumbs to look like one long callus; others crack and bleed. Some get infected (there is a red, swollen tender area where the thumb nail joins the skin).

Sucking becomes socially unacceptable. Toddlers don't ridicule their thumbsucking peers because thumbsucking is standard operating procedure for children under two. But the older the sucker the more likely she'll get teased about her thumb-in-mouth "disease." In most children, the fact is that thumbsucking, like bedwetting, doesn't reflect a psychological disorder. It's just a habit -- though unsightly to some older children and adults. Don't fret about a happy thumbsucker who is gregarious and has a good self-image -- this thumb will soon leave the mouth. But some suckers never show an unobstructed view of their smile; it's as if their nose has grown a fist. They prefer sucking their thumbs to relating to peers. This scene is socially unacceptable and the thumb and its owner may be teased continually about being a "baby."

Like most normal but bothersome behaviors, if you did nothing but accept and ignore it the thumb would eventually find its way into other occupations. But if the habit persists and is harming the child's teeth, try these tips:

1. Satiate sucking needs. Sucking satisfies the need for attachment. A need that is filled goes away; a need that is not filled stays as a habit. If you have a "sucky baby," let her suck to her heart's content during early infancy. Breastfeed on cue as long as possible. Let your baby suck your fingers. Allow non-nutritive sucking (sucking on an "empty" breast, finger or pacifier, collapsible bottle nipple) after the baby's hunger is satisfied. An interesting study confirmed that babies who get their sucking needs met seldom become habitual thumbsuckers. In 1977 researchers studied fifty children between ages one and seven who were habitual thumbsuckers, and compared these with children who did not suck their thumb. The studies showed that thumbsuckers tended to be bottle- fed rather than breastfed. The later the child was weaned, the less likely he was to suck his thumb. The thumbsucking children tended to have been fed on schedule rather than on cue. And 96 percent of the thumbsuckers had been left to fall asleep alone after being fed. But not one of the non-thumbsuckers was left alone to fall asleep. Researchers theorize that during sleep persons return to primitive reflexes, such as sucking and hand-to-mouth actions. In our own pediatric practice we have noticed that babies who are nursed down to sleep and not weaned until they are ready are much less likely to become habitual thumbsuckers. Consider breastfeeding as a suck of prevention for habitual thumbsucking.

2. Offer early alternatives to sucking. If you are blessed with a baby with a strong sucking drive, instead of always automatically pacifying him by sucking, try alternatives: rocking, massage, playing animated games, and singing. The earlier baby learns that there are other ways to find comfort in addition to the breast, bottle, thumb, or pacifier, the more he will seek alternatives to oral gratification later.

3. Keep thumbs busy. Bored little thumbs often seek their friend, the mouth, when there is nothing better to do. Busy the bored child. When you see the thumb heading toward the mouth, distract and redirect the child into an activity that keeps both hands busy.

4. Keep life calm. As your toddler gets older he will use his thumb to help himself relax. This is good. You then do what you can to keep peaceful yourself, and that will flow over into a peaceful atmosphere in the home. Model relaxing ways and your child will learn from you; such as quiet times, long walks, music, and slow, deep breathing when you feel anxious.

5. Show and tell. If your child is old enough for thumbsucking to bother his teeth, he is old enough to understand why this habit harms his teeth. In front of a mirror let your child rub his index finger over the protruding upper teeth and put his fingertip into the gap between the upper and lower teeth during a bite. Imitate a buck teeth appearance (like Bugs Bunny), showing your child what can happen to thumbsucked teeth. Also, point out to your child that her sucked thumb does not look as nice as her other one.

6. Time your intervention. With thumbsucking, wait to intervene until your child is in a receptive mood. Trying to step between thumb and mouth when your child is not in a cooperative mood is likely to result in a power struggle. Your interference will be regarded as a threat to her independence.

7. Offer reminders. In the thumbsucker over four, try an adhesive bandage or tape on the thumb. A glove can remind and dissuade the nighttime thumbsucker. For the intensive night sucker who uses his thumb on his teeth like a crowbar, I've suggested a tongue-depressor taped to the thumb as a splint to keep the thumb from bending. If your child is older, talk with him about using a product that gets painted on the thumb and gives a stinging reminder when thumb meets lips. Encourage the child to paint it on himself � it's his thumb and his habit.

8. Suggest a competing habit. With the child over four you can use the principle of a competing habit. Show your child how to fold his arms, squeeze his thumb, or some other gesture that he enjoys instead of sucking his thumb. A trick that I've used successfully in my office is the game of hide the thumb: "As soon as you feel like sucking your thumb, wrap your fingers over your thumb into a fist." If it's a bedtime habit, suggest hiding the thumb under the pillow.

9. Negotiate a milestone. If your child seems to be eager to meet goals you could give her a target date -- "When you have your fourth birthday you can say goodbye to sucking your thumb!" Don't hold your breath, though. On the big day she may smile sweetly at you and say "I've changed my mind." Remember to smile sweetly back.

10. Consult your child's dentist. When your compulsive thumbsucker is four years of age, and her teeth are starting to reflect the harmful habit, a dentist can fit a palatal appliance that keeps the thumb from pushing on the teeth.

11. Relate with people instead of the thumb. If you see your child withdrawing from group play and interacting with his thumb instead of other children, consider the possibility that your child may need a social boost. Rather than attack the thumbsucking, delve into the underlying self-esteem problem that may hamper his social interaction. If you need some help in this department, consult a professional.

12. Chart-a-thumb. Once peer pressure begins, the child over ages six or seven may want to stop thumb-sucking for her own reasons. Offer to help her design a chart that she can use on her own to mark down the number of times she sucks every day. She'll be motivated to see the number get smaller and smaller. You do not have to watch her, or remind her, or check up on her charting.

Which are better, thumbs or pacifiers? Babies would vote for thumbs. They are always available, taste familiar, don't get lost in the night, and don't fall on the floor. Dentists would vote for pacifiers. Children don't use them like crowbars against their upper teeth, and they can be "lost" � permanently. Even for those who dislike the way "these things" obstruct the view of a baby's face, it's hard not to like the quieting effect of the silicone plug. All babies suck their thumbs at some time. Most outgrow it, and if their sucking needs are appropriately met in early infancy, they seldom carry the thumb-sucking habit into childhood.

Pacifiers are, as the name implies, peacemakers. As people who are around babies day and night, we support anything that keeps babies peaceful. Preferably this should be live caregivers, but sometimes human pacifiers need a break. As with all substitute nurturing devices, this is a question of balance. When a pacifier is used in addition to nurturing, it can be a comforting tool. If it is used instead of nurturing, it is a distance-producing device. If, when your infant cries, you find yourself reaching for the plug instead of the baby, or your baby reaches for the dummy instead of the mommy, you need to reassess your parenting. You want your baby to become attached to you, not to an inanimate sub.

If your baby is bonded to his binkie, six months is a good age to stop giving it to him. He's still young enough to learn to use his thumb (or your breast), so he will not become unglued when the plug stops showing up. As you helped your baby start this habit, you can be the one to end it. Just stop putting it in his mouth to keep him quiet. Try more attachment instead. If you are breastfeeding, let your baby pacify at your breast. Some babies think breasts are just for food because they haven't been encouraged to "hang out at mom's" until they've filled their sucking needs as well as their tummies. A baby with an ever-present plug as his way of self-soothing could become addicted to always having something in his mouth. As a toddler he may not develop alternative ways to self-soothe and reconnect (he may not play quietly or ask for holding, for example). He may even be delaying or inhibiting his ability to express himself and relate socially. Once again, the plastic plug is riskier than the thumb, and the breast poses no risk at all.

What about the three-year-old who is addicted to his "paci"? Consider these tips: